The Lanza Family and the Connecticut Shooting

I’ve been telling myself not to write anything about the shooting because I don’t want to throw my hat in the ring and be just another asshole with an opinion. But, I couldn’t take it anymore. This story is just so bizarre, it’s keeping me awake at night.

I’m angry at it for being a perfect storm of media gold, with it’s victims sitting ducks for years of exploitation. Aside from the principle, obvious, sickening truth of it being a gruesome crime exacted upon society’s most vulnerable demographic (innocent, young children and well-meaning, world-loving elementary school teachers), why did it have to be another gloomy, withdrawn goth kid flipping out and killing a bunch of attractive, happy white people? Why was it set, yet again, in white upper middle class suburban America? Why did his parents have to be divorced? Why did he also end up being smart and into computers and video games? If it wasn’t real, I’d say someone made an Automatic Sensational Stories GeneratorBot that eats stereotypes and spits out news.

The story also follows the typical, irritating pattern of a media sensation. Usually, the first week of any major breaking story is full of mostly worthless information repeated over and over by every outlet trying to get a piece of the traffic pie. The stuff people really want to know takes months to emerge, so most of what you read at the beginning are the thoughts and reflections of people who don’t really know any more than you do, or too-painful-to-watch interviews with families of the people involved who should really be left alone to process and grieve. It’s really quite amazing how many articles can be generated from such a tiny handful of facts.

I am also angry that this happened again. I briefly “Googled” a timeline of school shootings in the world to gauge what percentage of them happened in the United States. My intention was to gain a five second perspective on the issue, to see if all of the America-bashing out there is remotely justified when it comes to school shootings. Looks like it might be. In Canada, there were eleven in the last 100-ish years. On the entire continent of Europe, there were around nineteen. There were twelve among Asia, Australia, and South America combined. In North America, there were a whole lot more.

So, why the penchant for shooting up schools in this country? One Jezebel blogger astutely pointed out that schools are often a person’s first exposure to human cruelty and are therefore attractive targets for revenge fantasies. My own experiences do speak to that. I had a terrible time in school. Because of it, I have a difficult time relating to others and I take medication and see a counselor regular to deal with the aftermath. I was a smart, sensitive kid and the rugged individualistic Alpha Apes I grew up with for some reason found that to be an irresistible target for torment. Not all parts of the US are like this, but the place where I grew up happened to be. It was a wealthy area that attracted a lot of tourists and “new money.” An “entitlement” attitude was common, and people tended not to worry too much about how their actions affected others. Individualistic cultures tend to breed that type of behavior and some regions are hot spots for it.

I’ve often thought about revenge, but I had never imagined such “direct action” as a satisfactory method. The drive to commit such an act is too far from my consciousness to be entertained. I’ve been suicidal all of my life, but have never attempted. Suicide really is a pretty bad idea. Actually, I’ve thought about how grand it would be if I became a public figure of some kind (I am actually a musician and I perform so it’s not a complete delusion) and speak out against bullying. My ideal and most favorite revenge plot on my attackers, who marginalized me and ignored me, would be to succeed regardless of their doubt and negligence.

I’m married now, I have a pretty decent career, and have friends. I worked incredibly hard to get there because I had some pretty harsh barriers to surmount including but not limited to physical and mental illness. Neither is fully surmounted and it will be a lifelong battle. But why did I take it in this direction and why did Adam Lanza become a murderer? We could traverse another five centuries of research without ever knowing the answer to that question.

Now for the gossip that eats me alive at night, what makes my blood boil as I force myself to close my web browser and find more intellectually fulfilling things to do with my mental energy.

Why those kids? Why that school? He was 20 years old? Why did he kill his mother, too? What gives?

The little bits and pieces about the Lanza family that keep trickling out are pretty weird. It has been discussed that Nancy Lanza was no picture of sanity herself, as she was stockpiling guns and food in preparation for the collapse of modern civilization — in a million dollar home in a neighborhood that seems among the least likely to feel the impact of any kind of economic downturn. Hmmm. This conspiracy theorist quality paranoia seems like something that may have come up in the divorce proceedings between Nancy and her husband, and seems like a pretty solid reason NOT to give a potentially mentally unstable mother custody of a mentally ill child, or to at least seriously question it. Perhaps this evidence will appear later? Maybe it’s not even part of the discussion?

And what was Adam Lanza’s mental illness? The symptoms described in various articles include:

- Self harm behaviors
- Aspergers
- Inability to feel pain
- Very high intelligence
- Shy, awkward behavior
- Depression
- suffered from “a personality disorder”

But the shooting incident? That was a high energy behavior pattern more similar to rage or anger. Family members say in some articles that he wasn’t usually like that. A lot of these symptoms seem to contradict each other, or at least don’t add up to anything glaring. Truthfully, what Adam’s diagnosis was doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. Mental illness is tough to treat and is often not successfully treated even when you have a diagnosis. Perhaps Adam had an extensive mental health history that cannot be publicly discussed due to HIPAA regulations. Mental health in America has much to be desired, but there isn’t enough information to diagnose the Lanza family.

Strict gun control laws are important, because they do prevent the crimes that do not occur, but they won’t prevent all of these crimes from happening again. Getting rid of ALL guns, in an absolute sense, would eliminate gun related crime. But is eliminating ALL guns possible without crossing some uncomfortable logistical and philosophical boundaries? The most important thing to remember is that it isn’t any more possible to only have guns for the people who won’t use them to do bad things than it is possible to have words only for people who won’t say mean things. We need to learn to get over that fact. Arguing with each other about what it means to be allowed to own guns or say words or do things is never going to get us to the higher philosophical plane that we, as humans, need to reach in order to start being able to solve our species’ problems.

The conclusion that most of you should have at this point is pretty simple, though it’s not glamorous and it won’t win you any Internet Debates. It won’t get you a New York Times column or a book deal and it won’t make your politically savvy friends stare slack jawed in amazement at your incredible wit. It most definitely will not prevent bad things from happening. But it’s all you can do right now. Keep trying to be a good person and keep thinking of ways you can teach others in your immediate world how to do the same. You can’t guarantee that another person will do the right thing — not through laws, religion, example, education, awareness, bribery, love, or persuasion. Sometimes these things do get results, but they don’t guarantee them. Uncertainty is truly humankind’s greatest adversary.

It sounds like this is one majorly fucked up family and what lead up to the shooting may be so off the wall that even if every scrap of evidence found in the investigation was reported in it’s entirety, it will probably not lead any of us to a meaningful conclusion other than one that is filled to the brim with our own biases and fears.

Poem by a Borderline

I see how I am worthless
How I should hate myself
I read it every where I look
When I reach out for help.

When you’re sick with an affliction
of the heart or of the lung
you get understanding while
the borderline is shunned.

I don’t mean to be rejected
I don’t mean to make mistakes
I know it’s hard to see it but
I don’t want to be this way

It started long before
I was old enough to see
the effect of their reactions
what it would do to me

the problem is a kind
where no one is the same
when the tornado rips the world in half
but there’s no one real to blame

It’s insidious and silent
tiny whispers in the ear
after years go by those whispers
are all that I can hear

No one knows who said it
who pulled the trigger, fired first
the only evidence is on my face
to suggest that I’ve been hurt

While many things about me
are inspiring and alive
at my core I’m still a child
just trying to survive

but you have no pity
and why should you? for my crimes?
you’ve been dragged through those hot coals again
but one too many times

I see it happening before me
i slap the hand that guides
us down the path of self destruction
that turns promises to lies

Here, too, my words are worthless
my apologies are stale
strategies are wearing thin
and your heart is growing pale

I watch the love and life
draining from your face
you look at me like I’m a stranger
in an instant, out of place

i want to beg forgiveness
but there’s nothing left to say
what would have been perfect
is to go back to yesterday

before I dropped the last straw
that broke the camel’s back
knowing my next last chance
is running out of slack.

Your fuse is quickly shortening
the stream of smoke is thick
and you wonder if the flame is there
beneath the black tip of the wick

will it just continue burning down
long past the final thread?
will it reignite?
or is the fire already dead?

Suck It, Humanity

A friend informed me that this has been getting passed around various blogs and “tumblrs” lately.

“Stop trying to “get it together.” The biggest lie we’re told when we’re growing up is that soon as we’re adults, as soon as we’re in college, finish college, getthat job, have that steady income, find that someone special, “find ourselves,” find that perfect house, get that retirement fund, have those children, everything will fall into place. Here’s a secret: it won’t. Every new development in your life, good or bad, big or small, will come with its own very special set of challenges. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be. But the myth is perpetuated throughout life, perhaps now more than ever with happy status updates on Facebook and blushing bride/happy multi-tasking mommy blog posts. What these success stories don’t tell you is what is going on behind closed doors. They don’t tell you that your friend who is so over the moon with her new baby had to apply for food stamps. They don’t tell you that your fantastic, involved professor struggles with depression. They don’t tell you that your happily married friend still has nightmares about her abusive ex. They don’t tell you the cousin who just got that jealousy-inducing job opportunity is thinking of breaking up with his boyfriend of 10 years. What closely interacting with people from all backgrounds on the Internet for over a decade has taught me is that no one “has it together” in the way we think they do. So stop trying to have that as your goal, because you are just setting yourself up for massive failure.”

So, there’s a lot to say about this steaming pile of dog shit. First of all, this is a classic realization by someone whose teens and 20s went remarkably smoothly  and now, after enough years of being exposed to day to day risk of failure, some of that is finally setting in. Fortunately for me, my teens and twenties went relatively horribly, and a lot of people I knew at the time wondered what the fuck was wrong with me.

Apparently, there was nothing wrong with me. Because I got comfortable at an early age with life fuckery, I am now better off. I have zero illusions of grandeur about my life and I go into every new opportunity expecting that it will fail. Turns out, I have a great job in biotech at a university, I have no debt, I recovered from my chronic disease, and got married to my best friend in the universe.  In addition, I play in a band that is surprisingly successful given that we’re a bunch of scruffy bastards that don’t write pop music and who try to be nice to people. All of those successes came through a mostly negative attitude.

So here’s what you need to know about life. Being young is about surviving the greatest number of non-lethal mistakes that your body can handle before you hit 30. If you don’t have the option of being one of the perfect lucky few who sees this reality early on despite having a relatively smooth ride through adolescence and college, FUCK UP EVERYTHING INSTEAD. Don’t even have a nice cover story to put over it. Get the depression without being a “fantastically involved professor, ” go on welfare without “being over the moon about a new baby,” and have nightmares about your abusive ex while you’re still single and wondering if you’ll die alone. Choose between a relationship and a career when there’s no telling where that career will lead. I’ve done all of the above, plus more.

At that point, you will learn that “having your shit together” is a fantasy before you go into debt for a house you can’t afford and have a kid just because your friends on Facebook are doing it. You’ll come into adulthood never having believed you could have your shit together, and then there is no risk of being disappointed. And when you read blog posts like the one referenced above, you will scoff at it just as I have.

I’m not sure when it became profound to state that everybody has problems, which is essentially what the writer of said Tumblr post is doing. I guess, like the same shitty pop songs and romantic comedies, we like to be told the same trite story over and over again. It makes us feel like we’ve been keeping up with how life is. Except, for most people, life will swerve in an unexpected direction that will go against all of your prior beliefs, and you’ll either need to force your perception of that event to fit your worldview, or you could do the responsible thing and change your worldview.

The author concludes above with flawed reasoning that “interacting with people on the Internet” somehow gives them authority on how life is. Most half-witted homo sapiens know that “People on the Internet” is a skewed distribution. There is more bitching on the Internet than in everyday life. There are plenty of people out there who are truly happier than you, who truly have better luck than you, and who probably do, by some definition or another, have some aspects of “their shit” together. This author has no greater authority than the garden variety psychology major who understands the world by saying, “Well, if I consider myself and what I think, and then apply it to the world….eureka!”

In the end, we all become dirt and it won’t matter who fought harder OR who climbed higher. You are not special, and positive thinking won’t necessarily save you.

Your Welcome.

What Forrest Gump Taught Me About Womahood

So, I am very drunk right now. And this could lead to either brilliant posting or posting that costs me friendships. Either way, nanny nanny booboo i don’t use my real name on here so nobody will know who i am anyway except for my co-host/co-blogger who already knows full well that I am insane. So none of this should come as a surprise.
I love Myaim Byalik (okay spelling is uncertain, too drunk to look it up srry) Anyway. I am thoroughly impressed by all of her awesome accomplishments. I am also fucking pissed as hell that the clip chosen for submission for the Emmys happens to be one where she denounces her character’s usual personality to gush over a tiara. Even if it is to be satirical, we know full well what happens when we expose Americans to satire — nothing. They don’t fucking get it. This clip will confirm what the sheep already believe and that is that women are always women, and they always gush over jewelry and being a princess. Fuck that. I will kill princesses with my accordian…if I had one. Accordians are heavy and I bet they could kill someone. Okay well, I can’t lift an accordian so maybe I’ll have to get a concertina.

Yeah so anyway, I’m really mad about that because of all the deadpan awesomeness of Amy Farrah Fowler, they had to go and highlight this. Sure, it was probably selected because of it’s likelihood of appealing to the mass mind. The hive mind. Yeah. You all know who I am talking about. YOU. YOU’RE ALL IN A HIVE. Except me, I’m not in a hive. I’m FREEE. That’s why I am drinking while blogging and doing laundry at 3pm on a Sunday. Being free hurts and existence gets difficult to manage sometimes.

So I weep for Blossom. I weep that for all of her amazing accomplishments the news media will still point and say “LOOK A WOMAN DOING THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!”

Anyway, I hope someday I am a jam band keyboardist and a statistician and like, not a mother. I’m sure people will call me selfish and whatever else they call single women who choose not to breed, but I think it would be even more selfish for me to have a baby because I want one and not care that it will probably end up with 20 autoimmune disease because I am not fit to breed, let alone fit to have been born in the first place.

Oh, what was I saying in the title about Forrest Gump? Oh right. What I was saying was, the character Jenny. This morning I was reading Cracked, for the first time in like 2 months because I’ve been busy learning to sequence DNA and teach myself Calculus, and there was an article mentioning the song Diamonds and Rust about Joan Baez’s failed relationship with Bob Dylan. That made me think of Jenny from Forrest Gump and how that character really wanted to be like Joan Baez but ended up becoming a naked guitarist in a burlesque show with the moniker “Bobbi Dylan.” From listening to the song Diamonds and Rust, I realized that Bob Dylan was a pretty big dickface of boyfriend to have and told Joan Baez she had lowsy poetry. Joan Baez is awesome, though, so fuck you Bob Dylan.

Anyway, what Forrest Gump taught me about women was that even if you follow two people through history and one of them is a retarded white man with an IQ of 70 and one of them is a white female with a normal IQ and both of them are from the same podunk town in the same Nowheretown, USA…the woman will still fuck up her life and die of AIDS and the guy will become a millionaire. Because women suck.

I’m getting a sex change.